Been awhile, tumblr. Don’t take it personal but I get over you ever so damn quickly. Always have always will.
But I will use you this morning cos this girl needs a vent.
Poor ol’ me woke up a bit on the emotional side today. I dreamt an interesting one and it sure hit close to home. I was a parent buying my future daughter her first violin. She looked just like Chloe too. Ojitos bien grande con su pelito bieeeeeennnn chino. It was a cherry wood one with gold strings. That was it that was my dream. I swear it lasted as long as a heartbeat. I woke up and immediately teared up, fetal position and all.
If you know me well enough you know the small things. If you know me via social networks then I just appear as a social butterfly who’s into scifi, plays too much video games but still manages to ace her classes easily. Goes to work mon-friday always chipper even if she’s angry life didn’t go her way that day. I’m a strange breed, that’s for damn sure. But it’s this one small thing..my musical side that always hits home and few people really know about.
Oh yea, perhaps it’s also Mother Nature really beating the absolute shit out of my ovaries this month as well. Uffff.
I kept this as a secret because I felt if I told friends and family they’d push me back into it, but I got offered a position at a high school as an assistant to the music teacher. I felt my damn heart inside exploding with fireworks. In a good way, not a..painful burning way. I read it jumping in joy ten times more than when I began opening back to back acceptance letters.
That was Adriana, true form happiness, final form down to the damn molecular science ME. HAPPY. Like I had no care or stress in the world.
I thought back to the days I played at Disneyland, Copley Symphony Hall, at tournaments receiving top scores across the board, all the damn trophies and all that beauty. If you could only see the massive goosebumps I had thinking back. I was in a daze.
If you can’t understand it’s perhaps because you’ve never lived it. When you sit on this stage surrounded by all that talent. With people who can understand and read this crazy lookin language. All fine tuning their instruments and as soon as the conductor signals you to stop, it’s like the calm before the storm. It’s oddly quiet. Somehow intense as well. Then he/she signals to begin then it’s MAGIC. Ooooooh it’s just so damn exhilarating.
The greatest pains I feel that myself as a human can feel is not exactly feeling 100% herself, for YEARS. (Tongue twister and most likely with punctual errors) I’d give up an arm and a leg to have that back in my life (kidding I need both arms to play) but I just don’t have the courage. It kills me to see my violin case collecting dust so I put it further deep in my closet. Out of sight isn’t so out of mind, in this case.
I never felt so beautiful as I did back in those days. So classy. Artistic. Gracefull. Elegant. Inspired. No hair dye, no hair cut, no well thought out outfit nor well put makeup can compare. I felt naturally impeccable.
Next month I voyage off to Italy, Spain and France. I found out that next to one of the hotels I’ll be at is next to a well known symphony hall. Right next door, steps away. Perhaps and very hopefully, me being placed in a whole new world away from my life here in sunny San Diego, I’ll find that inspiration I desperately need. In all honesty I need it. I crave it. I just need a nudge.
I have several loves in my life. Video games, science classes, MATH oh man I love math, dragons and YES I SAID IT DRAGONS. Judge me but eff you bite me I love them flyin RealInMyWorld creatures. Nothing like my life with a violin in hand. That giddyness you get on the way to Disneyland was my life everyday knowing I had recital to look forward to.
I declined that offer, btw. “It’s still on the table, just in case” was the reply. Knowing me it’ll be one of the biggest mistakes in my personal life. Or, maybe it’ll be that push. Small yet dramatic push I’m seeking. So far it definitely got the gears in my head goin and that’s worth somethin.
I do honestly think it was my short story dream from this morning. Subconsciously it’s worth and meant somethin, right? ❤️